It’s Not About You

I’m going to expand on last week’s post and talk about some of the issues around the idea (which I’ve experienced to be true) that men find the thought of female masturbation and lesbians sexy.

Now, in theory I understand it because of the whole ‘men are more visual’ thing, but, I also find it insulting. There’s something degrading about a man being so interested and aroused by the thought of a woman enjoying some ‘me’ time. First of all, why are men so surprised? They do it. It’s generally known and accepted that nearly all men do it. So why is it so surprising to discover that a woman does it? Newsflash: pretty much all of us masturbate. Secondly, it’s personal, and absolutely nothing to do with anyone else. So don’t start with the 50 questions, OK? Thirdly, when a man turns it into something he is aroused by, he’s making it about him and his sexual pleasure. It is not about you and it is certainly not about pleasing you. The opposite, in fact.

The same goes for finding lesbians exciting. Lesbians were not put on this earth for male pleasure. What is more, they’re not going to care whether or not men are aroused by them because they are not aroused by men. It really is that simple.

I think what I have a problem with isn’t men finding it sexy, in itself. If my theory about male sexuality is correct, they can’t help that. What I do have a problem with is men making the side of female sexuality that has nothing to do with men about men. Women don’t, as a general rule, do this. Yes, both sexes objectify the other, but women don’t tend to make a masturbating or homosexual man into a sexual object. OK, this is because, to her, he isn’t. I guess my point really is this: women should feel comfortable to admit to being attracted to women and/or masturbating and unless men stop making such a big deal about how ‘hot’ this is, it isn’t going to happen. It can border or harassment because men can get so carried away with how amazing and exciting and unexpected it is (especially masturbation – get over it, guys, it happens) and start badgering you about it. Yes, this has happened to me. It’s overwhelming in a bad way. And when I’ve asked why they’re so surprised and feel the need to interrogate me about it, they always say because woman don’t normally talk about it. Well, there’s a reason for that.

Fifty Shades is putting female sexuality in the public eye. To me, this is a good thing, regardless of the, frankly, shit quality of writing. Perhaps men will get used to the idea of female masturbation. Perhaps, one day, when you say ‘masturbation’ you won’t automatically assume ‘male’, you’ll think of either sex. (To be honest, I already do, but I know men who struggle with this. Completely confused someone once by talking about it without the prefix of ‘female’.)

To summarise: women masturbate – get over it

and: lesbians do not exist for men’s pleasure.

Or maybe, an underlining point to take home is: women were not put on earth for men’s pleasure. Stop making the aspect of female sexuality that has nothing to do with men about men.


Sorry, I’m getting a bit ranty on this one. I’m too involved to be impartial. It pisses me off.


2 thoughts on “It’s Not About You

  1. This is the first post of its kind I am reading (because I never bothered to search). And frankly, I agree with every word. I have always found it really irritating whenever these topics come up and men either raise their eyebrows in surprise or show their pearly whites in pleasure. I mean, come on, it’s not cool!

    But I did read on a guy blog (about the way men think) that they find lesbians so damn hot because they think the female body is absolutely exquisite and there is nothing sexier than two women in their elements and behaving with complete abandon. (Although, who knows, it might just be a bullshit excuse or something…)

    But I did come across a rather startling fact on that blog. Apparently men find their own naked bodies very ugly with all the odds and ends sticking out. 😛 Now that’s something to think about.

    • Thanks so much for letting me know you agree. I was a bit worried about that post – thought I might have been going off on a limb there.

      I get that argument and I don’t think it’s bullshit but it’s not the lovely idea that he probably makes it out to be because it’s very patronising. It’s almost like giving his permission for lesbians to be in their element, etc, because he finds it beautiful/hot. It doesn’t matter what he thinks – his opinion couldn’t be less relevant!

      As for men finding their naked bodies ugly: I can’t say I blame them – they kind of are (this coming from a heterosexual!) Good to know, though, especially as it backs-up what I argued in a previous post about men generally being less attractive than women ;)!

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