Recession? What Recession? Let’s Throw the Queen a Party!

Warning: the following post contains explicit sarcasm.

Our government’s being forced to cut a lot of public spending as the recession persists but somehow it has money for four days of lavish celebrations to commemorate the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee.

If they didn’t throw Her Maj a big party, there’d probably be a public outcry because let’s face it – no-one likes a party pooper. Especially a party-pooper who’s corroding the NHS. So I understand that they have to – if only to distract us from all the bad stuff that’s going on. And I don’t hate the Queen – she seems like a nice enough lady – but this ‘service’ she does us all is pretty well paid. The monarchy is an outdated institution and a waste of money. Also, it must be a pain in the arse for the people who happen to be born into that life, palaces and riches aside. No freedom, very little privacy…I’d much rather be poor.

The real issue about all this is: why on god’s green earth do we still have a monarch?

It’s good for tourism, right? Sure – if we abolished the monarchy, no-one would ever come to Britain again. That’s the only reason anyone ever comes here. That’s the deal-breaker. Tourists all over the world choose to come here for the sole reason that we still have a Queen. And if there was no Queen, no-one would come. In fact, we’d all leave. Because…

It’s integral to our identity – it makes us unique. Sometimes I forget what nationality I am and then I remember, I’m from that country that still has a Queen and it all comes back to me. If we abolished the monarchy, what tenuous national identity we have left would be lost. It’s already being corrupted by the flood of immigrants and asylum seekers. Even Tesco isn’t safe – they have these pastries shaped like a crescent, now. Talk about creeping sharia. And, to make it worse, they’re called croissants – does that sound like an English word to you? No because it isn’t – it’s French. That’s right – it’s a French-Islam infiltration, people. Ah I’m so confused – where am I? Where am I from? France? The Middle East? Am I a Muslim? No, wait, I just remembered about the Royal Family. Thank the Christian God they exist – that was a close one.

On the plus side, there’s a lot of bunting going on at the mo. And tea parties. Perhaps if I’d been invited to one, I’d be too busy stuffing my face with edible union jacks to care about the pointlessness and waste of it all.

Mmm Victoria’s Sponge

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