Photograph: Chris Radburn

Can’t believe I have to work on this lovely day. Way our summer’s have been, this could be the only good week we get. So bored. Come on customers, where are you? Out sunbathing no doubt. Bit early but when does that stop us? Wouldn’t myself. Stupid. Come on, people, I’m – Oh at last. Almost like I summoned her. Come on a thousand pounds, where are you?…No? Ah well, worth a – sunscreen eh? Bit early don’t you think? Really don’t think you’ll burn out there. That water spray stuff for when it’s painfully hot. My mum gets that for her holidays. She must be going away, then.

‘Lovely day.’

She’s got that grin, that ‘I’m free to enjoy the sunshine and you’re stuck here’ –. ‘Yes, isn’t it.’

She’s going to say it. She’s actually –. ‘Such a shame for you to be stuck in here on such a gorgeous day, though. You poor thing.’

Calm down, Jane, she’s only trying to be nice. Smile back. ‘Yes. Are you going on holiday?’ Came out a bit abrupt, there, almost like an accusation.


‘Oh.’ Don’t go there. Don’t go there. ‘It’s just…’

‘Well, you know, it’s so lovely out.’

‘Yes.’ Stop frowning at her.

‘I mean, I even had to take my cardi off. Must be Summer.’

Must be? Because you had to take your cardi off? So, what, you control the weather? Just leave it, Jane. Change the subject. Don’t –. ‘Well…it’s not necessarily Summer, though.’

‘Sorry?’ Oh dear, bit frosty.

‘I mean, Spring, yeah, sure, I’ll give you Spring, but Summer? It’s more of a June/ July/ August thing wouldn’t you say?’

‘And?’ Definitely frosty.

‘Well, it’s not even April.’

‘So? It’s hot out. I’m too hot like this.’

‘Right but the weather could go bad again. I mean it was freezing only a couple of weeks ago. It’s not even that hot today.’

‘Well of course it’s not hot in here. But outside, I can assure you –.’

‘I have been outside.’ Calm down, Jane, she is a customer, remember? ‘Look, I’m just saying if it were Summer, today wouldn’t feel that hot. We’d probably be standing here chatting about how cold it is, you know, for the time of year.’ Aha she knows she’s losing. ‘It’s only because it’s early Spring that it seems so warm.’

‘How much?’ Proper snappy now. Well done, Jane, you pissed off another customer.

‘Oh, sorry, it’s sixteen pounds ninety-eight.’

‘Here. No, keep the change.’

‘Bye. Er, come again soon.’

And she’s gone. Stupid bitch. Found that seventeen pounds quickly, though. Blatently knew how much it was – had it ready. Still, 2p for the charity pot. There you go Comic Relief, another donation. Sort of.


One thought on “Weather-Speak

  1. Hello there! Thanks for stopping by at Randomities and for the awesome feedback.

    “Nice” costumer you’ve got there, eh? I’d want to smack her on the face! But wouldn’t, of course. 😛

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