I’ve tried writing this post a few times, now, with different focuses. I’m still not sure what I want it to be about. Should I post about my decision to not NaNo this year, my investigation into MA courses for next year or the fact that I haven’t written anything in ages? Is there a way I could tie them all in together? I’m sure they do – I can feel the common element, here, I’m just not sure I can put it into words. Would it be better to write one post on each? Possibly – I guess it would be neater and I’d get more posts. I mean, I could always set them to publish a few days apart. Thing is, though, it’s whatever it is that’s binding them together – the overlap, or common denominator, I guess, that I want to talk about. That I want to talk about. Didn’t I press the importance of thinking about your reader in my last post? I guess I’m hoping you, the reader, would be interested in a direct line to my thoughts. Why else would you read this? Was it the as-yet-un-thought-of-but-sure-to-be-snazzy title? Was it a category or tag I chose? Did you think you’d be getting something else with your time? Probably. Well, you know what? I don’t think I care.

I guess the stem of all this is doubt. I doubt my ability to do NaNo and therefore don’t try. I doubt all the ideas I had for a short story and never managed to write it (it was for a competition with a very specific theme). I doubt my ability to choose the MA that will benefit me and my career the most and I guess the big problem is I doubt, not only my ability to write, but my ambition to be a writer. Maybe it’s not what I should do with my life. Maybe I’ll never manage to earn a living from it. OK, OK, you’re meant to follow your dreams and all that but why is it my dream? I guess that’s the real issue, here: I can’t answer than question. It just always has been.

So what am I going to do? No idea. Just muddle on through, I guess. Carry on living my life: go to work; hang out with my boyfriend; do laundry; wash up; check facebook; tweet; play with my iPhone; blog, maybe; write?


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