An Apology…Almost

I felt the need to post some sort of apology for my recent negligence, seeing as it’s been almost a week since my last post. In saying that, I doubt any of you felt truly let down – I’m sure you can all cope without regular blog posts from me. Now, I don’t mean that in a self-deprecating, why-doesn’t-anybody-love-me sort of way, I mean, I’m sure people read and enjoy my posts – some of them at least, I just really don’t think anyone will be upset by the lack of them. If I never posted again, some might think it a bit of a shame, and I’d be very honoured if you did, but I’m pretty sure you’d all survive the loss.

So, is there really a need for an apology? Well, maybe to myself – I mean, I’m doing this to build some sort of following so that when I do get published and paid for it, there might be people who already want to buy or at least read the book. If I just wanted to be read and not paid I would post everything on here in full and not bother submitting but I do want to get paid for my writing, which is why I hold back – I want to be able to sell first publishing rights to someone at some point.

As this is the case: I’m sorry, me, I let myself down. I might have lost a few readers. I might have lost any reputation I had for being a ‘regular blogger’. Knowing me, though, it would have happened at some point. I’m lazy and I procrastinate and I’m afraid of growing up and being an adult, which means getting on with useful things rather than doing what I want all the time. Really, I’m afraid of not liking my life, and the thought of being responsible and grown up and doing everything I should do…it just doesn’t sound all that exciting, I guess. I’m never bored but I’m afraid of being boring. It would be useful to be that person – I mean, I’d get everything done I should and my life would be sorted but I guess I see that person as boring. She might be happy and content, even, but that’s boring in itself.

What is it with us writers and wanting to be special and different and not happy? It’s the romantic ideal, isn’t it, but would the reality be a romantic ideal? Of course not. I mean, you’d be unhappy. At some point you’ve got to stop thinking yourself out of happiness and just enjoy living your life. You’re not special or different – people don’t sideline you, they actually tend to quite like you, why should that be a bad thing?

Sorry this got rather deep. I should have just written something like: I’m sorry I’ve not posted in a while. I’ve had a lot of hours at work and just haven’t had all that much time on my hands, although I could have salvaged half an hour to write a quick post if I was really dedicated but I was so tired blah blah blah.

That’s the sort of apology I was meant to write, right?

Well, maybe I just wanted to be different.

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